WeAreAutism.org - The Social Support Network for People Living with Autism

Top 10 Tips for Parenting an Autistic Child

Raising a developmentally different child is a challenge for most
parents. The challenge begins when parents first learn that their child
is not “normal.” For some parents, this occurs at or before the child’s
birth. For others, their child, who appeared “typical” at birth and
even for several months or years thereafter, suddenly develops problems
that are not so “typical.”

In either case, once parents learn –
or even suspect – that their child is developmentally challenged, a
natural period of mourning and sadness occurs, for them and also for
their family members. The fact that family members (i.e., grandparents,
siblings, uncles, aunts), and even close friends are affected is very
important to consider, because these people are part of the parents’
usual support system. They may have a difficult time responding to the
grieving parents because they, too, are dealing with their own pain and
loss.

Autism is a multifaceted disability. Unlike other
developmental disorders that have more clear cut causes and effective
treatments, autism
is a disorder of as yet unknown origins, one that offers no simple
answers. Parents whose child has been diagnosed on the autism continuum
(autism, Asperger’s or Pervasive Developmental Disorder) experience a
myriad of emotions. They become, through no choice of their own,
pioneers in an unknown world of disability terminology, ideas, programs
and treatments. However, in learning to negotiate this unfamiliar
territory, parents of special needs children can benefit from practicing a few basic strategies that will ensure success for both themselves, and their child.

1. TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN EMOTIONAL HEALTH FIRST

For
all parents, there are some issues that, if not examined and resolved,
will likely interfere in their ability to facilitate positive
development in their child. A major issue to contend with is the loss
and mourning of the child they fantasized about and all the concomitant
fantasies such as, “I wanted my daughter to be a ballerina,” or “I
hoped my son would have a chance at the major leagues.” The
expectations they had for their child - including college,
marriage, and procreation – are no longer “givens.” Suddenly parents
are faced with the possibility that their child may be dependent on
them for quite some time, if not for his/her entire life. What happens
when the parents are no longer able to care for the child? In a flash,
parents are flooded with having to learn about a disability they had
never or only vaguely heard of. They encounter professionals, teachers,
doctors, and
other individuals who, although they may be pleasant and knowledgeable,
they would rather not have to deal with these professionals in the
first place! All of this occurs while parents are grieving. It is
sometimes very tempting to launch into a knowledge acquisition phase
and ignore their most important feelings—the loss of the typically
developing child they once dreamed about. If you take care of your own
emotional well-being first, you’ll have lots more energy to move into the next stages.

Parents
whose child becomes disabled some time after a period of “normalcy”
have yet another emotional burden to deal with—betrayal. They thought
they had a “normal” child and suddenly, their whole world gets thrown
into confusion.

For parents to be effective in guiding the
development of their child with autism, it is very important for them
to work through their own emotional reactions. Both parents as
individuals, and the marriage, will be affected by the child’s
developmental challenges. Seek professional help as soon as you can, to
ensure that you can give your best to your child.

2.
OBSERVE! TAKE THE TIME TO LEARN ABOUT YOUR CHILD’S EMOTIONAL RESPONSE
SETS TO A VARIETY OF SITUATIONS, INCLUDING HIS/HER REACTIONS TO YOU.

The
next common challenge that faces most parents of children with autism
involves the child’s emotional reaction to the parent. Research has
proven that as a species, we are innately programmed to respond to
vulnerable creatures (i.e., young children and young animals)
because they are programmed to elicit a response in us. Developmentally
challenged infants and toddlers do not necessarily provide us with the
responses that trigger our innate impulses to care for them. Some
children initially don’t respond much at all (i.e., the flacid, passive
baby), others have responses that we don’t understand (i.e., the
colicky, non-cuddly baby), and many respond in a different way every
time the parent approaches. These unexpected response styles create
confusion and a sense of inadequacy in many parents.

What do
you do? Spend time observing your child. All parents do this
instinctually. But, as parents of a child with autism, it is important
to remind yourself on a regular basis that, although your child is not
responding in the way you thought she would, she still is responding.
You’ll need to don the role of detective, discovering clues and
solutions to obtaining optimal responses from your child.

Find
out what gives your child pleasure and what turns your child off. Even
a non-response is a response. It usually means that the baby/child is
in some way uncomfortable with the approach or with the stimuli, and
instinctually pulls away for protection. Watch how he reacts to various
people, places and things. Keep a diary or a record; you’ll start to
discover patterns of behavior that will be clues for you. Learn to
adapt yourself to your child’s changing moods. Most of all remind
yourself everyday that whatever your child’s emotional responses may
be, they do not mean that you are a failure.

3. FOLLOW
YOUR CHILD’S LEAD! PARTICIPATE WITH YOUR CHILD IN THOSE ACTIVITIES THAT
BRING HIM PLEASURE—EVEN IF IT FEELS STRANGE TO YOU.

Joining your child in his world requires an essential parenting
skill—imitate and follow. Don’t make demands, don’t ask him to perform
(i.e., “What color is this?” or “What does a cow say?”), and don’t
direct the play. While it may sound simple, it’s not! As parents we all
want to feel proud of what our children know. We get great pleasure in
asking them to show off, especially in front of other people so they
can see what great parents we are. However, most children don’t like to
be drilled (nor do adults, for that matter), and when too much of this
occurs, the child with autism may simply withdraw, or do the opposite,
have a tantrum. Truly joining in your child’s world gives him the
feeling that you treasure what comes from inside of him, not only what
you draw out of him. It says to him, “I’m so delighted in you that I’m
going to sit here with you and watch what you do, do it alongside you,
and wonder with you why this is so fascinating.” Granted, as parents we
will always be tickled by our child’s responses to our approaches or
our questions, but expecting too much of this will backfire on you.
Instead, join in, talk about what you and the child are doing (i.e.,
“Boy, these rays of sunlight on the floor are really interesting.” or
“You really like the sound of that block banging on the table.”).
Finally, don’t be afraid to add
to the play with your own creations in the hope that your child will
someday become interested in you, too. If your child has limited
awareness of others, you can gently create situations in the play to
get your child to notice you. For example, if he is building with
blocks, you might “accidentally” knock them over then help build them
up again.

Most children with autism have special interests.
Parents are often encouraged by professionals to distract the child
from their particular special interest. However, sometimes making use
of that special interest is a great way to achieve long periods of
engagement with your child. There is a fine line between discouraging a
child’s special interest and passing along the message that what
interests him is of no interest to you. Encouraging the child’s
interest can lead to emotional engagement and provide the child with
the sense of being valued.

4. FEELINGS TALK! PUT WORDS TO YOUR CHILD’S FEELINGS.

Whenever
possible, label your child’s feelings for him. Children who are able to
identify their internal experiences have a better sense of who they
are. Many children with special needs have a difficult time identifying
abstract concepts, and feelings are abstract. Therefore, as a young
child learning about the world and about himself, one important area of
learning has to do with emotions. When you set limits and your child
exhibits anger (i.e., throwing things, tantrumming, etc.), one of the
first things you can do is label the emotion—“You’re so mad when mommy
says you have to stop playing.” You may, of course, need to make other
interventions, but don’t forget to label that feeling—even for young
infants!

5. POSITIVELY PRAISE! PRAISE YOUR CHILD’S APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR.

As
a parent it is easy to fall into the criticism trap, especially when we
are overwhelmed and faced with difficult behaviors. However, it is
important to remember basic behavioral principles: whatever behavior
you pay attention to - and attention can be either positive or negative
- will increase. Therefore, if you are criticizing and not praising,
the behavior you criticize will increase. However, if you praise,
praise, praise the positive, you’ll get more of it. Sometimes it’s
helpful to put yourself on a behavioral program—challenge yourself to
praise your child every 2-3 minutes. Statements such as, “I like the
way you’re playing with your toys,” or “I like the voice you used to
ask for a cookie,” will go a long way towards reducing the frequency of
banging, throwing, and whining. Think of praising your infant or child
as providing her with a “gleaming” mirror of herself in the gleam in
your eyes when you look at her, in the gentleness of your voice when
you talk to her, or in the soothing sense of your touch (does your
child like a soft or a firm touch?). Let your child know that she is
loveable and worthwhile at least 100 times each day!

6. CAPITALIZE ON SPECIAL-NESS! FIND OUT WHAT IS SPECIAL AND UNIQUE ABOUT YOUR CHILD AND CAPITALIZE ON IT.

Your
child may have special needs and he may be different from other
children, but he is also special in his own ways. It’s your job to
figure out where he’s special. Once you do, capitalize on opportunities
to let him experience his special-ness. For example, if he loves
numbers, engage in activities where he can be the “smart” one and find
the numbers needed. Whenever your child proudly brings you a “gem”—a
lump of playdough, a scribble on a paper, etc.—act as if it is the most
precious thing you’ve ever received. You may feel disappointment
because you wish this product were more representative or
age-appropriate. The most difficult thing you may have to learn is to
keep a check on your expectations. You’ll soon learn when to push for
more and when to put your child’s self-esteem before your own
expectations.

7. READ EMOTIONAL SIGNALS! RESPOND TO YOUR
CHILD’S DEPENDENCY NEEDS AND ASSERTIVENESS BY KNOWING WHEN YOUR CHILD
NEEDS YOUR WARMTH AND WHEN YOUR CHILD NEEDS YOU TO LET HIM GROW.

Reading
emotional signals can be tricky even with the typically developing
child. It’s even more of a challenge to read emotional signals from
children with autism. Yet, many parents overlook that signals are being
sent out. Compounding the situation is the guilt that some parents of
special needs children also carry around. It can get in the way of
responding in a developmentally appropriate manner. At times your child
may need to be dependent on you—he may need reassurance or want to be
close. At other times your child may be struggling but needs you to be
able to tolerate her struggle in order for her to grow. There is a fine
line between hovering/overprotection and under-protection. In order to
achieve competence in this area, parents may have to examine their own
reactions to dependency and autonomy, both to their child and to other
people in their environment.
Have an open mind about yourself, get lots of reality checks by asking
others to provide you with feedback, and be willing to bear a little of
your child’s suffering along with her so that she can grow.

8. ADJUST YOUR LEVELS! KEEP YOUR INTERACTIONS AT THE CHILD’S PHYSICAL AND DEVELOPMENTAL LEVEL.

Whenever
you talk to your child, give directions, set limits, etc., do it in a
way that will be meaningful for your child. Squat down to make sure
your child can see your face when you talk to her. Make sure you have
the child’s attention before starting to speak: use the words “look at
me” to cue your child every time, if you have to. However, remember
that eye contact is not an appropriate expectation of some children
with autism. Talk to your child at her developmental level. For infants
use simple one to two word phrases. Keep your commands simple; use the
same words each time you speak them. Whenever possible use visual cues,
but watch for signals that your child doesn’t need them anymore. For
example, if you give verbal directions and always point, you’ll never
know if your child truly understands your language or is relying on
your visual cues to assist in comprehension. Gradually “fade out” the
visuals when it’s appropriate. It may be helpful to work with your
child’s teachers on this. Many children with special needs have
problems with sequencing and/or processing auditory and/or verbal
information. It is important to learn about your child’s different ways
of learning and to respect those when interacting with her. If you
approach your child in a manner that is too difficult for her, she may
become frustrated, and may feel as if you, and the world, don’t
understand how she operates.

9. WAIT! DON’T REPEAT YOUR INSTRUCTIONS OVER AND OVER.

Many
children with autism have delays in response time. It takes longer for
their brains to register an interaction and then decide how to respond.
Learn to wait for your child’s response. Most parents—even parents of
typical children—tend to repeat themselves, as if giving an instruction
several times will get the child to do it quicker! If your child has a
processing delay, as he is working through the instruction you gave him
the first time, he gets interrupted by the second and third times you
deliver the same instruction. He may get confused and shut down. For
children with autism it is important to deliver an instruction and
wait—as much as 30 seconds (which can feel like a lifetime!)—before
delivering the same instruction. More often than not, you’ll find that
your child will respond appropriately, if you give him the time he
needs to process what you’ve said. Then, of course, you’ll praise him,
tell him how great he is, and he’ll feel like the king of the world!

10. ASK FOR HELP! HOW TO KNOW WHEN TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP.

As
you move into the world of special needs, you will find yourself
surrounded by professionals and specialists. Use them freely to ask
questions, clarify confusions, and get advice. Prior to visiting with a
professional, make a list of all your questions. That way you’re sure
not to forget anything. Finally, know when to seek professional help
for your child by keeping your eyes open to some of the following
symptoms/behaviors: sudden, inexplicable mood changes; newly observed
regressive behavior (clinging, bedwetting, separation/school anxiety);
excessive tantrumming; changes in sleeping or eating patterns; a
general lack of motivation or enthusiasm about anything; or any other
symptoms/behaviors that don’t “sit well” with you. You know your child
better than anyone else; you have good instincts about what’s “normal”
for him and what isn’t. Follow your instincts, and don’t be afraid to
ask for help. Taking this step can ensure a positive future for both
you and your child.

LINK: http://www.opposingviews.com/articles/advice-top-10-tips-for-parenting-an-autistic-child-r-1243449149